inadequacy

hi. here to pour my hearts out again. i cant contain this overflowing emotions anymore it hurts my heart so much. but differently tonight, i'm gonna rant in malay.

malam ini, aku nak bercerita tentang inadequacy. ketidakcukupan. aku tahu perasaan ini tidak asing dalam diri setiap manusia yang bekerja keras menjadi yang terbaik. begitu juga aku, perasaan ini seolah olah sudah menjadi sahabatku. terkadang menjadi pendorong, terkadang menjadi lawan. 

kalau aku, aku selalu rasa tak cukup. mungkin sebab aku ni seorang yang 'mid' bak kata orang putih. sebagai contoh, tidak terlalu bodoh untuk diberi perhatian, tidak terlalu pandai untuk disanjung. tidak terlalu cantik untuk diheboh. tidak terlalu buruk untuk dikasihan. malah dari segi personaliti, aku bukanlah seorang yang bising, bukan juga seorang yang pendiam. dari segi fizikal? tidak gemuk juga tidak kurus. tidaklah terlalu rendah tetapi tidak juga tinggi.

aku tiada masalah kulit yang teruk untuk bagi orang skincare advices. aku tiada makeup skills yang hebat untuk bagi orang makeup tips. keluargaku tidaklah terlalu kucar kacir dibandingkan dengan orang lain. alhamdulillah. aku tidak pernah bercinta untuk bagi orang love advices. aku juga pelajar yang biasa dari segi akademik dan kokurikulum. adalah juga, dapat keputusan peperiksaan yang baik dan kendalikan beberapa program untuk cantikkan resume aku. tetapi, tidak cukup untuk buat aku dapat apa apa anugerah dalam universiti. faham kan? im just that average.

selamat untuk cakap, aku sebenarnya sedang berada dalam zon selesa aku. terkadang aku terfikir, adakah kerana Allah tidak menguji aku sebagaimana hebat Dia menguji orang lain? patutkah aku bersyukur, atau patut aku takut? aku sebenarnya berada di mana, di mata Tuhan? 

aku tiada sebuah kehidupan yang dramatik, tetapi sungguh, aku selesa begini. orang putih cakap, kita selalu nampak rumput jiran sebelah lagi hijau, sampaikan kita terlupa nak siram rumput kita sendiri. kadang kadang aku begitu. cepat cepat aku ucap, Astaghfirullahalazim.

tulisan ini aku tuju buat orang orang yang sering merasakan sama seperti aku. kita selalu teringin menjadi dia, sehinggakan kita lupa yang menjadi diri kita sendiri sebenarnya sudah memadai. tiba masa untuk kita mencari ketenangan dengan berdamai dengan diri. perkara yang kita inginkan, tidak dapat kita kecapi bukan kerana kita tidak mencukupi, tetapi kerana perkara itu tidak sesuai dengan kita. ada yang lebih baik, in shaa Allah. 

for example, my failure getting into dentistry and my failure in romantic relationship *yes, i failed that talking stage, again ;)

semoga yang baik baik sahaja untuk kita, amin. 

attempting talking stage again

hi assalamualaikum. it's been a while. brief update, i'm currently in my final year at **u, alhamdulillah. as usual, time flies when we are so busy with adulting and deep down we just wanna be that child again, 

happy,

carefree,

reckless,

and young.

i didnt mean to sound inferior but i really wish i am the better version of my current self. yes, better than the one who's typing now. i hate that i get so caught up in the simplest thing, the thing that sometimes dont really matter to some people.

but here i am, stressing over something i shouldnt have. a near-to-fail talking stage.

why 'near to fail'? bcs the signs are there, it is just a matter of realization, in between denial and acceptance. i am 22 years old and medically, my brain's frontal lobe isnt fully mature yet so cut me some slack if what i'm gonna write about sounds petty and insignificant, at least to you.

he's a stranger. we havent met but today's 12th day of us talking to each other and the conversation was so good, it's something i look forward to in talking stages all this while. he didnt love-bombed me, he straight away said his purpose-- he wanted to get to know me more. i like straight-forward guy. he's smart and most importantly, he's not flirtatious. 

for all the questions he asked, i answered each of them. unlike any other time, i decided to give this a shot for what it's worth. and to me, talking stage works both ways. u asked me about my personal life, i have to know yours too. mind you, the conversation was so rich in academic information, interest and experience. it's like an indirect discussion of compatibility and like-mindedness. and i admire his wisdom.

as i indulge in the conversation, i get addicted to it. it's like a dopamine strike, and i crave for it each time i hit the 'send' button. sometimes i asked myself, isnt it dangerous for my mental health to act this way?

fast forward to today... he's just seen my text since 7h ago. my brain went craazy but it's something that no one can see. i retained my composure but in my head, it's a massive tornado of thoughts like 'did i say something hurtful? something offensive? am i not his type? but he's my type so did i just get rejected?' which is strangely normal for overthinkers like me. 

yes, i overthink a lot. i even questioned my worth and how i dont deserve to even pass the talking stage which is so embarassing.... because he just replied to my text... and i thought.. maybe it wasnt 'near to fail' but rather 'near to success'? 

plus point. he said sorry for replying late bcs he had to work overtime lol. how can i not fall for him when he's like that? its something he cant control regardless he still apologized... cutenya???? 

btw, im not like this during my previous talking stage. i barely gave effort and became dry all the way bcs 

1. i was young 

2. 'if he wants me, he'd do anything out of his way to get me' behavior,

which is very immature of me lol. bet any guy who get close would give tf up. and if any of you actually read this, honey, in talking stage u have to know about him too. bcs thats the only way you could filter out those who's not your type. know his lifestyle, the way he thinks, and how he treats his family. and let God do the rest.

i honestly look forward to this talking stage. i wanna know more about his lifestyle, mindset, family and personality. despite coming from the north, if we are compatible then i think we both can work this out. but its too early to decide anything now. 

for now i hope i dont lose my sanity when he rejected me soon. bcs the chances are there and he might actually have another person in mind apart from me. for god's sake, its just 'talking stage' right? lets just hope this entry wont turn into a joke in the future hahahaha. 

i finally feel relieved pouring my internal voice out here. i hope you'll feel the same reading this. see you next time :)

what's meant for you, will always find its way to you.

Hello, world. Here I am, again and you know why. As long as I don't make an entry about what has been bothering me lately, I won't feel at peace. So here it goes. 

Sometimes you think something is meant for you only because it happens so beautifully that you got swayed by the enjoyment. But when you realize it's temporary, happiness is gone and disappointment starts to consume your entire soul.

P/s: I'm sorry you always get the shit end of my life. I'm sorry I did not make any entry when I was all over the moon. But I guess that's what friends are for, don't you think? :). Ey enough with the clues, let me straight up spill the tea.

There weren't so many guys who walked into my life for the past 20 years. There were only two but considering the other one walked in when I was 10 years old, there was actually one. Let's dismiss those from primary school cs you know why. So I named him, Q. 

I don't know how to start the story cs it happened 6 years ago. But I still can vividly remember how I felt at that time. I know instantly those feelings from 6 years ago were identical to the feelings that I feel now. Long story short, Q confessed to me he liked me, and we kind of talked for quite some time. We texted, met during prep, and he gave me a Cadbury (which is a cute gesture and an age-appropriate sweetness for a high school kid). But the problem is, he liked me first. I don't know how to react and obviously was so dry AF during all those interactions cs I am me. I have no other reason. Another problem is, that my batchmates especially girls HATED him cs he was so ungentle, a playboy, rude and annoying in his own way too. Mind you he talked about girls' bodies to his friends too. Ouh not only that, I remembered he used to make comments on girls' appearance as well. There were so many red flags and obviously the idea of me being with him was kind of stupid and was judged by my friends. "Why would she see someone like that?" they said.

So I end the whole thing. It was painful cs I have just started to give MYSELF chance to love someone but I had to end it for good. I am far from being a girl whose eyes are on me whenever I walk into the hallway, mate. The idea of someone having a crush on me is very monumental cs it is very rare, even up to this day (which is 6 years later, no difference at all). I know this sounds pathetic but when I had to let go of him, let go of my hopes, I felt very sad. But I'm proud. I knew what was best for me at the age of 16 years old. So I moved on. Thank god it was easy to move on cs I have had reasons to dislike him all my life. 

I took lightly of the surprises that 2022 had to offer me. Met a guy at my university leadership program, he had a crush on me from afar for 5 months solid, confessed to me during Raya and it was the most beautiful and magnificent thing that ever happened to me. When I tell you it was beautiful, it really was. His words, efforts, perseverance, understanding, and consideration were top tier. But just like in 2016, the problem is he liked me first. I admit to having a total soft spot for his words. He said he wanted to wait for me until I'm ready, until I'm able to like him just as much as he likes me. I really wanna show the conversation here but I can't obviously. All I can say is that this person likes me a lot. A lot. I can tell that.

It has been almost a month since we started the talking phase, and guess what I found out. I ask around about him cs I seriously have no idea what kind of person is he since we have only met a few days for the leadership program and that is probably only 10% of his personality. I felt the need to ask. And to my instinct and expectation, yes, he is disliked by most people at our university. I have receipts, victims, and witnesses. I swear to you guys, I prayed and hoped he is not like what I have heard from my friends. But no, what was being prevailed was the truth and I had to accept that. I wanna confirm and ask others who know him but again, I can't bear to hear all the bad things about him anymore cs I know, there's not much of a good thing to hear. It's his personality and who am I to suddenly change that? That is out of my capability. 

What is hurting me right now is that he is very very nice to me. I have never seen any red flags since the day he confessed to me but man, the way he treats others is way too much for me to compromise. I always pray to Allah to send me a man whose presence is liked, is favored by my family, by my friends and I guess he's not the one. 

"Tell me what kind of person you like, what kind of person you hate, how can I win your heart. I'll try to adapt. But at the end of the line, I see no hope. I'll just understand it myself. I cannot force your feelings but what I can do is to improve myself"

His words hit me a lot harder this time. I can't change a person just like that.. I feel bad that I'm already ending all of this without even telling him what kind of person I like, what kind of person I hate, how can he win my heart. But this is my last straw. I wanna bid goodbye to all of this as I don't wanna risk my whole life with a person like him. I am wondering until how long will he be nice to me? What if when he finds out my weaknesses, he treats me like shit, just like the way he treats people around him? My friends said that this kind of person doesn't even realize they're like that. They always think they're right. And I kind of agree. So I refuse to take risks. 

The feelings from 2016 came back. Deep down I'm sad. I'm sad that no one will ever like me as hard as him. He likes me a lot, guys. He told his family about me and said he could never like anyone apart from me. But all of that is only words right. Words that I chose to believe. Idk about you guys but I honestly found sincerity in his words. 

But how do I tell him? I wanna tell him this weekend. I told him previously that we can try to make things work between us but I wanna stop trying. How do I tell that in a nicer way? I wanna tell him that this would not work out the way we wanted it to be. Now I feel bad for him, cause I know as hell what it feels like to be rejected but he has the worse case. I kind of give chance and hope to him. That's why I wanna tell him asap cs it will be much more painful and time-wasting to wait. And I shouldn't do that to a future medical doctor lol. 

As closure, I feel kind of sad. Why do I always encounter something or someone like them in my life? I'm so bored having to hear from my close friends that they wouldn't approve of me being with Q back then, and now wouldn't approve of me being with A too. But I completely understand their reasons. Maybe I don't deserve true love. Yet.