happiness

Assalamualaikum. I am writing back again. Pretty sure the reason is obvious, that any of us could be able to tell and notice it.

I've archived all of my previous posts, because it just didnt seem right to me. Plus, I've changed into a totally different person. I am no longer as enthusiastic as before, no longer as friendly and as happy. Keeping those old posts only made me suffocate, embarassed and can't accept the fact that I am no longer me.

Growing up sucks. I've lost my own definition of happiness. 4 years back, I defined happiness in many aspects- my family, friends, oppas, kpop, dramas, studies, food, seeing crush,- but now, it gradually lessens, to only- my family, friends (sometimes), good grades, food- and I'm still hesitating, whether the happiness that I've felt, is a real, genuine happiness? Are those the real happiness that I've been looking for my whole life?

Doubt

if i ever had a chance to publish a book out of 19 years of living, the title of the book would be 'doubt'. i dont know when its going to last but as for now, it feels like forever. endless. never-ending. yet. i think i spent my life for the past 18 years by doubting myself. am i good enough, clever enough, satisfying enough? can i do this and that, how am i gonna work on this and that? all are with question marks. they say doubting is somehow good, since we gotta be prepared because we had no idea where our lives lead us to. but i know out of all the 'they-says', not all of them apply to everybody. you say doubting is good, ok then cool. but i have to admit, the process is killing me inside when i thought about it deeply and seriously. it got me sleeping with my tears on at 3 am in the morning.

'why am i having so much doubts?' 

i hate the fact that explaining it here does nothing to me but a slight comfort. i hate the fact that it does nothing but im still here explaining. i ditched all my friends' texts because i felt bad. i felt so lazy to have interactions with people because im doubting. the real question is

what are u doubting about?

honestly, i dont know. <- see, its a sign of doubting.
i cant list it all here, it seems so many. but in general, i am reluctant if i was a-good-enough-person all this while.

u might say, 'why are you bothering to be the best person in town? why are you trying so hard to be a total faultless and all'
my intention is neither to be the best person in town nor a miss perfecto. i wanna be the best version of myself, and it's still yet to come. i know i wasnt my best version, and it explains why im having unnecessary doubts.

i pray to Allah i got strength and confidence, that one day i will clear off the existing doubts i kept in my head. i thank to Allah for all the blessings he had given. i thank Allah for granting us another chance to be in ramadhan and syawal this year. im happy i got a platform to rant my random thoughts, though no one sees it.

xoxo!