what's meant for you, will always find its way to you.

Hello, world. Here I am, again and you know why. As long as I don't make an entry about what has been bothering me lately, I won't feel at peace. So here it goes. 

Sometimes you think something is meant for you only because it happens so beautifully that you got swayed by the enjoyment. But when you realize it's temporary, happiness is gone and disappointment starts to consume your entire soul.

P/s: I'm sorry you always get the shit end of my life. I'm sorry I did not make any entry when I was all over the moon. But I guess that's what friends are for, don't you think? :). Ey enough with the clues, let me straight up spill the tea.

There weren't so many guys who walked into my life for the past 20 years. There were only two but considering the other one walked in when I was 10 years old, there was actually one. Let's dismiss those from primary school cs you know why. So I named him, Q. 

I don't know how to start the story cs it happened 6 years ago. But I still can vividly remember how I felt at that time. I know instantly those feelings from 6 years ago were identical to the feelings that I feel now. Long story short, Q confessed to me he liked me, and we kind of talked for quite some time. We texted, met during prep, and he gave me a Cadbury (which is a cute gesture and an age-appropriate sweetness for a high school kid). But the problem is, he liked me first. I don't know how to react and obviously was so dry AF during all those interactions cs I am me. I have no other reason. Another problem is, that my batchmates especially girls HATED him cs he was so ungentle, a playboy, rude and annoying in his own way too. Mind you he talked about girls' bodies to his friends too. Ouh not only that, I remembered he used to make comments on girls' appearance as well. There were so many red flags and obviously the idea of me being with him was kind of stupid and was judged by my friends. "Why would she see someone like that?" they said.

So I end the whole thing. It was painful cs I have just started to give MYSELF chance to love someone but I had to end it for good. I am far from being a girl whose eyes are on me whenever I walk into the hallway, mate. The idea of someone having a crush on me is very monumental cs it is very rare, even up to this day (which is 6 years later, no difference at all). I know this sounds pathetic but when I had to let go of him, let go of my hopes, I felt very sad. But I'm proud. I knew what was best for me at the age of 16 years old. So I moved on. Thank god it was easy to move on cs I have had reasons to dislike him all my life. 

I took lightly of the surprises that 2022 had to offer me. Met a guy at my university leadership program, he had a crush on me from afar for 5 months solid, confessed to me during Raya and it was the most beautiful and magnificent thing that ever happened to me. When I tell you it was beautiful, it really was. His words, efforts, perseverance, understanding, and consideration were top tier. But just like in 2016, the problem is he liked me first. I admit to having a total soft spot for his words. He said he wanted to wait for me until I'm ready, until I'm able to like him just as much as he likes me. I really wanna show the conversation here but I can't obviously. All I can say is that this person likes me a lot. A lot. I can tell that.

It has been almost a month since we started the talking phase, and guess what I found out. I ask around about him cs I seriously have no idea what kind of person is he since we have only met a few days for the leadership program and that is probably only 10% of his personality. I felt the need to ask. And to my instinct and expectation, yes, he is disliked by most people at our university. I have receipts, victims, and witnesses. I swear to you guys, I prayed and hoped he is not like what I have heard from my friends. But no, what was being prevailed was the truth and I had to accept that. I wanna confirm and ask others who know him but again, I can't bear to hear all the bad things about him anymore cs I know, there's not much of a good thing to hear. It's his personality and who am I to suddenly change that? That is out of my capability. 

What is hurting me right now is that he is very very nice to me. I have never seen any red flags since the day he confessed to me but man, the way he treats others is way too much for me to compromise. I always pray to Allah to send me a man whose presence is liked, is favored by my family, by my friends and I guess he's not the one. 

"Tell me what kind of person you like, what kind of person you hate, how can I win your heart. I'll try to adapt. But at the end of the line, I see no hope. I'll just understand it myself. I cannot force your feelings but what I can do is to improve myself"

His words hit me a lot harder this time. I can't change a person just like that.. I feel bad that I'm already ending all of this without even telling him what kind of person I like, what kind of person I hate, how can he win my heart. But this is my last straw. I wanna bid goodbye to all of this as I don't wanna risk my whole life with a person like him. I am wondering until how long will he be nice to me? What if when he finds out my weaknesses, he treats me like shit, just like the way he treats people around him? My friends said that this kind of person doesn't even realize they're like that. They always think they're right. And I kind of agree. So I refuse to take risks. 

The feelings from 2016 came back. Deep down I'm sad. I'm sad that no one will ever like me as hard as him. He likes me a lot, guys. He told his family about me and said he could never like anyone apart from me. But all of that is only words right. Words that I chose to believe. Idk about you guys but I honestly found sincerity in his words. 

But how do I tell him? I wanna tell him this weekend. I told him previously that we can try to make things work between us but I wanna stop trying. How do I tell that in a nicer way? I wanna tell him that this would not work out the way we wanted it to be. Now I feel bad for him, cause I know as hell what it feels like to be rejected but he has the worse case. I kind of give chance and hope to him. That's why I wanna tell him asap cs it will be much more painful and time-wasting to wait. And I shouldn't do that to a future medical doctor lol. 

As closure, I feel kind of sad. Why do I always encounter something or someone like them in my life? I'm so bored having to hear from my close friends that they wouldn't approve of me being with Q back then, and now wouldn't approve of me being with A too. But I completely understand their reasons. Maybe I don't deserve true love. Yet.

alive update

Hi. How are you? May this post reaches you while you are in the best state and health. 

My last post was in 2020. Now it is the year 2022. An obvious 2-year-gap. Enough to make anyone who's reading this wonder about what could happen in that 2-year duration causing the author to pause writing. (As If I ever had any audience xD) 

But for real, I've been blogging for years. Since I was in my early adolescent years. When blogging became a trend, I was among the earliest clueless kid who wanted to jump on the bandwagon until her blog became a hit but then got hacked :(. Maybe I was not meant to be famous. Not yet. 

Sometimes I got this silly thought of having a mysterious and handsome male silent reader that has been an audience of mine since 8 years ago. He would read what I wrote, feel what I expressed, and when fate brought us together, we would be madly in love with each other and live together happily ever after. Sounds like Disney's movie isn't it? As if love was this easy.

Let me take you to a little bit of throwback since I skipped writing a lot. Forgive me, still working for firm consistency. Everything really went well for me the least. I lost a few kgs, got the best results for my foundation, and spent 2020 Ramadhan and Syawal with my family. But then I can't apply for COP. I was devastated. I felt useless. I felt bad. I wanted that course but I was late. I missed the chance but I tried again. I called here and there to ask if I still had the chance. But sadly no. With a heavy heart, I got into the Bachelor of Audiology (Hons). I didn't know what I was learning. I lied here and there when they ask why I wanted that course. Honestly, I didn't want it. But obviously, I wouldn't say it that way cs they'll be asking why. I hate getting attention the most. To me, everything was blurry heavy shit. But I knew I can't quit. As I tried to breathe, I lost my one and only grandma who I took care of. 2020 was one hell of a ride, I must say.

I was not being myself during the whole pandemic. I got the worst results for 2 freaking semesters cs I obviously didn't study hard. But I live with academic validation so I can't help but associate my worth with my academic achievement. There is nothing I can be proud of myself. Not a single thing.

I thank Allah for giving me a very supportive and helpful coursemate. I would not survive audiology without them. Maybe it is too early to say this since I have not graduated but hey, gratitude has no timing. When the MCO was lifted and going back to campus became compulsory, I got my life back. I felt alive on the inside. Very different from 2020. 2021 was a healing year for me. Alhamdulillah.

Fast forward to now, I am 20 years 7 months 7 days old. I got into Bachelor of Audiology (Hons), currently in my 4th semester. Time really flies that fast. I have improved in a lot of things, and I am so proud of myself today. Not gonna lie that I am still lacking in some parts, but a small improvement is still worth celebrating don't you think <3

This post is unintentionally long. If you accidentally come across to this post, I pray that your life only fills with love, success, and blessings from the Almighty. May every hardship that you face be eased and eventually brings you the sweetest thing in life. Till next time :)