attempting talking stage again

hi assalamualaikum. it's been a while. brief update, i'm currently in my final year at **u, alhamdulillah. as usual, time flies when we are so busy with adulting and deep down we just wanna be that child again, 

happy,

carefree,

reckless,

and young.

i didnt mean to sound inferior but i really wish i am the better version of my current self. yes, better than the one who's typing now. i hate that i get so caught up in the simplest thing, the thing that sometimes dont really matter to some people.

but here i am, stressing over something i shouldnt have. a near-to-fail talking stage.

why 'near to fail'? bcs the signs are there, it is just a matter of realization, in between denial and acceptance. i am 22 years old and medically, my brain's frontal lobe isnt fully mature yet so cut me some slack if what i'm gonna write about sounds petty and insignificant, at least to you.

he's a stranger. we havent met but today's 12th day of us talking to each other and the conversation was so good, it's something i look forward to in talking stages all this while. he didnt love-bombed me, he straight away said his purpose-- he wanted to get to know me more. i like straight-forward guy. he's smart and most importantly, he's not flirtatious. 

for all the questions he asked, i answered each of them. unlike any other time, i decided to give this a shot for what it's worth. and to me, talking stage works both ways. u asked me about my personal life, i have to know yours too. mind you, the conversation was so rich in academic information, interest and experience. it's like an indirect discussion of compatibility and like-mindedness. and i admire his wisdom.

as i indulge in the conversation, i get addicted to it. it's like a dopamine strike, and i crave for it each time i hit the 'send' button. sometimes i asked myself, isnt it dangerous for my mental health to act this way?

fast forward to today... he's just seen my text since 7h ago. my brain went craazy but it's something that no one can see. i retained my composure but in my head, it's a massive tornado of thoughts like 'did i say something hurtful? something offensive? am i not his type? but he's my type so did i just get rejected?' which is strangely normal for overthinkers like me. 

yes, i overthink a lot. i even questioned my worth and how i dont deserve to even pass the talking stage which is so embarassing.... because he just replied to my text... and i thought.. maybe it wasnt 'near to fail' but rather 'near to success'? 

plus point. he said sorry for replying late bcs he had to work overtime lol. how can i not fall for him when he's like that? its something he cant control regardless he still apologized... cutenya???? 

btw, im not like this during my previous talking stage. i barely gave effort and became dry all the way bcs 

1. i was young 

2. 'if he wants me, he'd do anything out of his way to get me' behavior,

which is very immature of me lol. bet any guy who get close would give tf up. and if any of you actually read this, honey, in talking stage u have to know about him too. bcs thats the only way you could filter out those who's not your type. know his lifestyle, the way he thinks, and how he treats his family. and let God do the rest.

i honestly look forward to this talking stage. i wanna know more about his lifestyle, mindset, family and personality. despite coming from the north, if we are compatible then i think we both can work this out. but its too early to decide anything now. 

for now i hope i dont lose my sanity when he rejected me soon. bcs the chances are there and he might actually have another person in mind apart from me. for god's sake, its just 'talking stage' right? lets just hope this entry wont turn into a joke in the future hahahaha. 

i finally feel relieved pouring my internal voice out here. i hope you'll feel the same reading this. see you next time :)